My problem is I want it all.

I have a friend who cloth diapers her babies. She knows all the new tricks and is making converts on facebook. I've been reading all her tips, and talked to Jason about it a few times. I like the idea of being green, and of saving a landfill from more diapers that will just sit for 7, 000 years. I really, really like the idea of saving money. I mean, this is child #3, here. But when I talked to Jason, he said, "I don't know. If I were you I wouldn't do it. You're going to have enough to do without keeping up with cloth diapers."

And really, he was telling me what I already knew was true. Especially about me. Let's review the facts:

1. According to my previous records, when a new baby comes, laundry is the first thing to go down. Yep -- add a person, neglect the laundry. Makes sense, right? But truly, this has been the way of it. And cloth diapers = even more laundry. How can I be sure I'm going to get diapers washed every day if I'm not even sure I'm going to remember to wash everyone else's underwear? And while Jason is more than willing to help out with the laundry, I'm not sure it's fair to make him have to remember to keep up on cloth diapers when I'm the one who wanted to use them.

2. I'm homeschooling a child for the first time. We've decided to teach Natalie at home. I taught first grade for two years before she was born, so I feel confident that I can do it. But it's not the same as having a job where you leave home and only work with one age group. I have a kindergartener and a two year old. I teach while I'm at home. The day goes something like this: Bible, take Elsie to the bathroom, Spelling, recess (while I start a load of laundry), give them snack, wish that dirty dishes weren't staring at me, water the lawn because we'll be gone that night, Reading, take Elsie to time out for ______, Math, you get the idea. All this means I have no idea how I'm going to add a newborn to this schedule, and yet, the baby will often preempt the schedule.

3. I have a two year old. And I don't want her to feel lost in the shuffle. Big sister will get lots of attention because of school, baby will get lots of attention because she's a newborn. Little/new big Sis will need lots of attention, too. Well, and also, because she's two. Not giving a two year old attention sounds like a disasterous thing, if you know what I mean.

And so, I'll be using disposable diapers. And I'm a little sad. I probably should be relieved that I have excuses, but I liked the idea of it. And this makes me realize one important thing about myself: I want to do it all.
I mean, last night on the way home from a weekend getaway with my husband I was thinking about how Natalie wanted to be Ariel this year for Halloween, and how I'd been planning on making an Ariel costume for her. Ok -- that right there is craziness. I do, in fact, own a sewing machine thanks to my grandmother, but it's still in the box. I've had it for months. Do you know the last time I sat down to a sewing machine? Seventh grade Home Ec. Do you know the first time I sat down to a sewing machine? Seventh grade Home Ec. Now, in my mind I figure it can't be too complicated to make a simple shirt and a tail that Natalie's legs will stick through. Maybe not perfect, but passable. When I'm being realistic I wonder if it will turn out like my cupcakes. And if I'm setting Natalie and myself up for disappointment (if I finish it at all).

But there I was, in that car, really thinking I could teach school, have a baby in October, and sew a mermaid costume if I got started on it right away. Then, after a reality check, I wondered if she would be ok with being Ariel as a human. We have a pink princess dress, and I could still use that fake hair color spray to turn her hair red. I figured Elsie could go as Belle, since the little yellow dress we have would probably fit her (it doesn't fit Natalie anymore). Um, but both of those dresses would require a sewing repairs. One would require a new zipper. I have never sewn on a zipper. Surely I could find a youtube video or google it or something.

Do you see how crazy this is? How I go back and forth? Do you know what is most likely to happen? Most likely, I will publish this post and then forget about Halloween until mid-October. I will then either stress myself out with dress repairs while my house looks like the Salvation Army blew up inside it, or I will find some simple solution (uh... headbands with paper ears taped to it? We could be the three bears...) and feel like a lame mom.

You see, this is why I cannot cloth diaper. If I'm going to spend the money up front I have to stick with it. There will be no turning back. And as much as I sometimes aspire to be a supermom, I can only do so many things well.

Not hiding.

The other day, I asked Natalie to get something for me. I told her that it was on the side table next to the couch. She told me that she couldn't find it.

"It's on that little table right there, next to the couch."

"Oh," she said, picking up the requested item. "You were hiding it from me."

"Well, I wasn't trying to hide it from you!"

Sometimes I wonder if God thinks that very thing. We moan about how hard it is to find an answer, or to find Him, and all the while He's speaking to us (or just not saying anything different from what He said the first time). I can see Him laughing, just like I did.

I'm not trying to hide it from you!

The answer.

So a few days after I was feeling sorry for Natalie at the parade, I felt sorry for Elsie about something similar. And then sorry for Natalie over something else. And I felt like God asked me, "Are you going to keep feeling sad about things and have a victim mentality? Is that what you want to pass on to your children?"
And I decided to say, "No, thank you. I think I'll pass on that."

It's so true that you can never determine what other people will do, or the effect in circumstances that decision might have on you, but you are always in control of what you do. Sometimes I wish I had control over what other people did, but that's not true power. True power is taking control of your own life, actions, emotions, and words by making purposeful decisions. It's funny to say that when life hands you lemons you're going to throw them back and demand chocolate, but that's just shaking your fist at the wind. I think it is probably much better to take something sour in your life and turn it into something sweet. Like lemonade, you might never be able to completely erase the tartness, but the taste of the end result can still be memorable and enjoyable.

Hopefully, this happened for Natalie. When we got home she told Jason about the parade, and was angry about the pushy kids who got all the candy. Jason, being removed from the situation, was in a much better frame of mind than I was, and suggested that she forgive those kids. He led her in a prayer where she spoke forgiveness to them, and she hasn't mentioned it or complained about how little candy she got since then. I think she really let a spirit of forgiveness take root in her heart, instead of bitterness.

Jason and I drove home from a family reunion Saturday night, and I started tearing up. Not everything in his life has been perfect, of course, and sometimes he experienced deep hurt, like when his parents divorced. But out of that situation, Jason's mother decided to move to Wyoming, where Jason worked with a girl who decided to tell him what Jesus was really like. Because of that, Jason decided to give his life to Jesus and attend a homegroup. Then he decided to go to Bible College and meet me. And marry me. And move to Wyoming where the leader of that homegroup is a leader in our church. A lot of God's goodness was evident to me in that moment, and it was overwhelming.

If I really believe that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, and I really believe that His forgiveness has the power to change lives -- when I am forgiven, and when I choose to forgive -- then hurt will have no place within me.

What's the secret?

When I was in Bible college, I once met with one of our church leaders. In the middle of our meeting, after asking me a few random get-to-know-you questions, he looked at me and said,

"So, you're not one to push and shove your way to the front. You're content to wait in line for your portion. But -- sometimes that means you don't get what you want."

He pegged me so well that I think I only managed to pull myself together enough to nod. And then I listened very closely. Because I knew he was going to tell me the solution to this problem.

Except he didn't. And he didn't the rest of the meeting. And he never brought it up after that. And there have been times in my life that I wished he would.

I took the girls to a parade last week. In years past we've left with so much candy that I've learned to bring an ice cream bucket to collect it all. To kids, that's what a parade is: candy. And an occasional group playing music. But the music isn't fun or important enough to get them excited about going back.
I got mixed up trying to find the spot where we stood last year, and ended up in the worst area possible. I could tell even before the parade started that this was no good. But it was too late to find another place. So we stayed on a corner that a hundred other (older) kids shared.
For the first hour of the parade Natalie had three pieces of candy in her bucket. That's because one woman handed me a packet of gobstoppers before the parade even started (she was promoting Mothers Of Preschoolers), and another mom watched her two boys dive after a pile of candy and collect the whole thing. She made them both give Natalie a piece.
Elsie was much too hot and disturbed by sirens and crowds to do anything but beg me to hold her so she could bury her head in my shoulder. So the only help I could give to Natalie was to look a few floats down and give her a heads up when people might be throwing candy.
This is pretty much how our experience of the parade went this time: There were not as many people throwing candy as last year (I think we stood at the beginning of the parade last time, and in the middle this year, so maybe a lot of it was already gone). A lot of the people threw candy before us and then not again until after us. When people did throw candy our way, they sometimes threw it too close to the middle of the road. But even if they dropped it right in front of Natalie, it was gone before she could even bend over. Seriously, watching the other children was like watching the reverse effect of flipping on the light switch in a room full of cockroaches. About 5 people handed out frisbees to the four or five children in front of Natalie, then ignored her hand held out patiently, and then continued giving frisbees to the next three children after her. There was one nice man who saw she had nothing and purposefully dropped three pieces of candy directly into her bucket (thank you, Lord, for that man!), and one friendly girl who gave up her ice pop when the woman carrying ice pops got mobbed 10 feet ahead of us. But it was mostly disappointing, and Natalie almost cried more than once. And I was telling myself that I was taking them straight to Dairy Queen as soon as Natalie told me she was ready to leave.

It was one of those times when I wished I knew how to get what you want without being pushy or obnoxious.

So . . . anybody out there found the secret? To either getting what you want or, you know, ending hurt in the world in general?

I want them to stay that way.

With the release of Toy Story 3, Natalie has been interested in watching the other Toy Story movies that she'd never seen before. So, thank you very much, Netflix, I will take a copy of Toy Story 2.
We decided to make a movie night out of it. So there we were, in the living room eating popcorn, when the toys turn down the Barbie aisle of Al's Toy Barn. Their jaws drop, their eyes bug out, and I was sorely disappointed. I don't want my girls thinking this is a normal way for guys to act around girls, anymore than I want them to go around scantily clad like the Barbies.

My children are still very innocent, and I like it that way. When the dentist asked Natalie if she was dating, she gave him a blank look. She doesn't know what that means. When he asked if she had any boyfriends, she knew how to answer. She has lots of friends that are girls, but only two close friends that are boys. "Yeah, I have two -- Avery and Ethan."

My mom took Natalie and her cousins to the store while we were visiting, and Natalie came back with a Polly Pocket pool set. It's got a pool, swimming suits, clothes, Polly, and a boy. Natalie says that the boy and girl are brother and sister. I LOVE that. Because, why else would a girl and boy hang out together in their swimming suits unless they were brother and sister?

So Disney, go ahead and make movies for children. I mean, I'm not crazy about it when you put scary parts in, or make the villain a witch doctor like in your last princess movie. I'm still watching you pretty closely before I decide if my kids lay eyes on you. But please, could you spare us some of the junk and make movies for children?

Happy Birthday, Elsie!

I'm putting up an old post today, since it is what I have been thinking about this week. I love you, my Elsie Joy-comes-in-the-morning!





I was holding Elsie this morning before Natalie woke up, and I was struck -- as I often am -- with the thought of how blessed I am to have her. Elsie is my miracle baby, which is funny because there was never anything wrong with her, as is usually the case when that term is used. My pregnancy and delivery were textbook perfect, as a matter of fact.

When I became pregnant with Elsie I had finished recovering from a surgery from an ectopic pregnancy only two months earlier. Jason and I sat down on the bed, looking at a stick with a little pink plus sign, and didn't say too much. Really, we were expecting that plus sign, we'd been trying for that plus sign, but we were still in shock.

After Elsie was born, at my six week check-up, all I could do was sit and stare at the little pink bundle in the carseat. It was a year and two weeks after my surgery. And the thought hit me, I could have spent this last year with no pregnancy, and no baby. Jason and I could have spent the last year trying, and being depressed, wallowing in pain and sadness. Or I could have become pregnant and spent nine months in oppresive worry. In fact, I remember telling Mary R. that I didn't know how I could ever become pregnant again without being in constant worry (She wisely spoke words that I will always remember: But Eleanor, worrying only takes away. It never adds). Instead our story had a different end -- a different middle even. It was a time of great healing for us, of expectation, of hope.

It's that of that story that Elsie continually reminds me. Please understand that I am not saying -- and would never say -- that a loved one lost can be replaced by another. But Elsie is a reminder of the abounding mercy and the abounding love of God in my life. Of all the ways things could have been, but weren't. She makes me grateful for so many other things, and for so many other people that I still share this life with. That's why Elsie is my miracle baby. I see in her the miracle of God at work in our lives.

Just one moment, please.

Do you know what I am doing right now?

Eating ice cream.

Let us bow our heads and have a moment of silence for ice cream.

...

Ah, yes. Extra creamy vanilla with some Hershey's chocolate perfected drizzled over the top. And it is even more enjoyable to me that I'm eating it now when the girls are asleep. Ice cream as a family affair is fun, but by yourself, it is indulgence. Like taking a bubble bath (and when was the last time you did that?)

Wait, let me take another bite.

Sigh.

I have rules about ice cream. Actually I'm just taking these right off the top of my head, but I think they're true just the same.

1. Never waste the calories on a flavor you don't REALLY enjoy. (When I find one I'll let you know...)

2. Always take just a little less than what you really want to eat. You'll feel self-controlled. Empowered, even. At the bottom of the bowl you will still want more, but you'll say to yourself, "Ahhh. That was just the right amount of ice cream."

3. Eat it when you can truly enjoy it. Maybe this is why I like to eat it when the girls are in bed. I have a desire to savor my desserts. Have you ever been at a restaurant with friends, and happened upon the most amazing dessert OF YOUR LIFE, but one particular individual just keeps talking and talking and talking? And you love them and all (truly, you are there for the friend, not the dessert) but you just want to say, "Will you excuse me for one moment while I soak in the luscious, smooth, and (probably) chocolatey-ness of this dessert?" Of course, you don't. You would never, ever say this. But occasionally after a good bite you think, "This dessert is slipping away from me!"

There. My ice cream is finished. My inspiration has been devoured, and therefore I have nothing left to say.

Uh, the rules were freebies.
You're welcome.