This Sunday our guest speaker read a quote that ended with:
"Attitude is the librarian of our past, the speaker of our present, and the prophet of our future."
Don't you like that? At first I was just struck with the prophet part. It took me a minute to figure out the librarian part.
Librarian of the past -- To me, this means "the librarian" determines how we look those old circumstances, broken relationships, and painful times. "The librarian" picks out the books that shape our opinion of these things.
Speaker of the present -- The other day I was leaving Sam's Club and asked the clerk at the door how he was doing. This elderly man paused, gave me a smile, and said, "Oh . . . I'm just so glad to be here." Now, if a twenty-something had said that, I would have looked hard to see if he was being sarcastic, but this man was sincere. His response made me smile. His attitude spoke volumes.
Prophet of the future -- You probably know pretty much what I'm going to say here. You don't reach the stars by looking at the ground. Perspective of what things will be like, regardless of their current state, is invaluable.
Wanna know what I really like about this quote? I have a say in all this. If the librarian of my past is a grumpy, pitiful thing, I can fire her and hire someone cute and cheerful. If I don't like what the speaker of my present is saying, I can change the channel until I find someone who better represents who I want to be. And if the prophet of my future is tempted to predict gloom and doom, I can . . . I don't know, read the New Testament or something.
Because -- I am all these people. The attitude is up to me.
Last week Jason took me to the symphony. The Wyoming Symphony Orchestra was playing at the college, and Jason had to go to a concert and write a paper for one of his music classes, so I got to tag along. And let me just say, it THRILLED. MY. SOUL. For many reasons that I'm sure you could guess, and for a few that maybe you wouldn't. But during intermission I turned to Jason and said, "Isn't it amazing how so many things could be going on at once? I think it's so great just to get a good melody, but who gets a melody and then hears all these other things going on in the background that will add to the overall effect?"
And just as I finished the question, I knew the truth of what Jason said next. He said, "I do."
Do you ever stand in awe of the privilege of not just knowing your husband but actually being the one who got to marry him?
About a month ago I went through my typical Mommy-and-Daddy-are-both-on-worship-team-today routine. I woke up at 5, so I could be ready by 6, so I could get the girls ready and we could all be at the church by 7 (or pretty close to it, anyway). Jason and I had picked out and ironed our clothes the night before, and I had set out the girls' dresses. I was in the kitchen, packing up breakfast for the kids to eat during worship team practice. I had hard-boiled four eggs, packed two baggies of cereal, put grapes in two bowls that have lids, tucked two packages of fruit snacks into a small pouch of the diaper bag (for a snack in between the two services we hold), and was pouring water into two water bottles. Sometimes, depending on what we are doing after church, I will also pack an extra change of clothes for all of us (and maybe swimming suits and sunscreen for the girls). And the thought came to me ...
"This is ridiculous."
Now, it's not really ridiculous, because all that prep work makes the morning go more smoothly, and all that food is needed because my girls are getting up earlier than they usually do, and eating lunch 2-3 hours later than they usually do on Sundays like these. But suddenly the thought of adding one more small person to that -- oh man. But then I realized what was really going on here.
I ... am amazing.
Yes. It's really true, I've come to see. But I don't say this to you as a way of patting myself on the back. I say this because if you are a mom, you are amazing, too. Just take a look at everything you do. Make dinner nearly every night of the year. Keep tabs on everyone's underwear and socks so you know when you absolutely have to dolaundrytoday. Find the missing shoe that no one else knew where to look for. Keep your temper with your children when you want to be given over to fits of rage. Teach those small people running around your house how to do productive things like clean their rooms, or tie their shoes, or say sorry with the nice voice, when most of the time they don't want to learn how to do those things at all. You pray for your husbands and support them. You let them go out with the guys while you fix dinner, give bathes, and put the kids to bed alone. And you smile about it, because you know he will come home a happier man, and you don't really begrudge him that time anyway (too much).
So, good for you! Take a look at yourself -- you do amazing things everyday. And even though you do them everyday, you don't quit. You keep giving and loving -- something that is truly amazing.
I have a friend who cloth diapers her babies. She knows all the new tricks and is making converts on facebook. I've been reading all her tips, and talked to Jason about it a few times. I like the idea of being green, and of saving a landfill from more diapers that will just sit for 7, 000 years. I really, really like the idea of saving money. I mean, this is child #3, here. But when I talked to Jason, he said, "I don't know. If I were you I wouldn't do it. You're going to have enough to do without keeping up with cloth diapers."
And really, he was telling me what I already knew was true. Especially about me. Let's review the facts:
1. According to my previous records, when a new baby comes, laundry is the first thing to go down. Yep -- add a person, neglect the laundry. Makes sense, right? But truly, this has been the way of it. And cloth diapers = even more laundry. How can I be sure I'm going to get diapers washed every day if I'm not even sure I'm going to remember to wash everyone else's underwear? And while Jason is more than willing to help out with the laundry, I'm not sure it's fair to make him have to remember to keep up on cloth diapers when I'm the one who wanted to use them.
2. I'm homeschooling a child for the first time. We've decided to teach Natalie at home. I taught first grade for two years before she was born, so I feel confident that I can do it. But it's not the same as having a job where you leave home and only work with one age group. I have a kindergartener and a two year old. I teach while I'm at home. The day goes something like this: Bible, take Elsie to the bathroom, Spelling, recess (while I start a load of laundry), give them snack, wish that dirty dishes weren't staring at me, water the lawn because we'll be gone that night, Reading, take Elsie to time out for ______, Math, you get the idea. All this means I have no idea how I'm going to add a newborn to this schedule, and yet, the baby will often preempt the schedule.
3. I have a two year old. And I don't want her to feel lost in the shuffle. Big sister will get lots of attention because of school, baby will get lots of attention because she's a newborn. Little/new big Sis will need lots of attention, too. Well, and also, because she's two. Not giving a two year old attention sounds like a disasterous thing, if you know what I mean.
And so, I'll be using disposable diapers. And I'm a little sad. I probably should be relieved that I have excuses, but I liked the idea of it. And this makes me realize one important thing about myself: I want to do it all. I mean, last night on the way home from a weekend getaway with my husband I was thinking about how Natalie wanted to be Ariel this year for Halloween, and how I'd been planning on making an Ariel costume for her. Ok -- that right there is craziness. I do, in fact, own a sewing machine thanks to my grandmother, but it's still in the box. I've had it for months. Do you know the last time I sat down to a sewing machine? Seventh grade Home Ec. Do you know the first time I sat down to a sewing machine? Seventh grade Home Ec. Now, in my mind I figure it can't be too complicated to make a simple shirt and a tail that Natalie's legs will stick through. Maybe not perfect, but passable. When I'm being realistic I wonder if it will turn out like my cupcakes. And if I'm setting Natalie and myself up for disappointment (if I finish it at all).
But there I was, in that car, really thinking I could teach school, have a baby in October, and sew a mermaid costume if I got started on it right away. Then, after a reality check, I wondered if she would be ok with being Ariel as a human. We have a pink princess dress, and I could still use that fake hair color spray to turn her hair red. I figured Elsie could go as Belle, since the little yellow dress we have would probably fit her (it doesn't fit Natalie anymore). Um, but both of those dresses would require a sewing repairs. One would require a new zipper. I have never sewn on a zipper. Surely I could find a youtube video or google it or something.
Do you see how crazy this is? How I go back and forth? Do you know what is most likely to happen? Most likely, I will publish this post and then forget about Halloween until mid-October. I will then either stress myself out with dress repairs while my house looks like the Salvation Army blew up inside it, or I will find some simple solution (uh... headbands with paper ears taped to it? We could be the three bears...) and feel like a lame mom.
You see, this is why I cannot cloth diaper. If I'm going to spend the money up front I have to stick with it. There will be no turning back. And as much as I sometimes aspire to be a supermom, I can only do so many things well.
The other day, I asked Natalie to get something for me. I told her that it was on the side table next to the couch. She told me that she couldn't find it.
"It's on that little table right there, next to the couch."
"Oh," she said, picking up the requested item. "You were hiding it from me."
"Well, I wasn't trying to hide it from you!"
Sometimes I wonder if God thinks that very thing. We moan about how hard it is to find an answer, or to find Him, and all the while He's speaking to us (or just not saying anything different from what He said the first time). I can see Him laughing, just like I did.
So a few days after I was feeling sorry for Natalie at the parade, I felt sorry for Elsie about something similar. And then sorry for Natalie over something else. And I felt like God asked me, "Are you going to keep feeling sad about things and have a victim mentality? Is that what you want to pass on to your children?" And I decided to say, "No, thank you. I think I'll pass on that."
It's so true that you can never determine what other people will do, or the effect in circumstances that decision might have on you, but you are always in control of what you do. Sometimes I wish I had control over what other people did, but that's not true power. True power is taking control of your own life, actions, emotions, and words by making purposeful decisions. It's funny to say that when life hands you lemons you're going to throw them back and demand chocolate, but that's just shaking your fist at the wind. I think it is probably much better to take something sour in your life and turn it into something sweet. Like lemonade, you might never be able to completely erase the tartness, but the taste of the end result can still be memorable and enjoyable.
Hopefully, this happened for Natalie. When we got home she told Jason about the parade, and was angry about the pushy kids who got all the candy. Jason, being removed from the situation, was in a much better frame of mind than I was, and suggested that she forgive those kids. He led her in a prayer where she spoke forgiveness to them, and she hasn't mentioned it or complained about how little candy she got since then. I think she really let a spirit of forgiveness take root in her heart, instead of bitterness.
Jason and I drove home from a family reunion Saturday night, and I started tearing up. Not everything in his life has been perfect, of course, and sometimes he experienced deep hurt, like when his parents divorced. But out of that situation, Jason's mother decided to move to Wyoming, where Jason worked with a girl who decided to tell him what Jesus was really like. Because of that, Jason decided to give his life to Jesus and attend a homegroup. Then he decided to go to Bible College and meet me. And marry me. And move to Wyoming where the leader of that homegroup is a leader in our church. A lot of God's goodness was evident to me in that moment, and it was overwhelming.
If I really believe that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, and I really believe that His forgiveness has the power to change lives -- when I am forgiven, and when I choose to forgive -- then hurt will have no place within me.
When I was in Bible college, I once met with one of our church leaders. In the middle of our meeting, after asking me a few random get-to-know-you questions, he looked at me and said,
"So, you're not one to push and shove your way to the front. You're content to wait in line for your portion. But -- sometimes that means you don't get what you want."
He pegged me so well that I think I only managed to pull myself together enough to nod. And then I listened very closely. Because I knew he was going to tell me the solution to this problem.
Except he didn't. And he didn't the rest of the meeting. And he never brought it up after that. And there have been times in my life that I wished he would.
I took the girls to a parade last week. In years past we've left with so much candy that I've learned to bring an ice cream bucket to collect it all. To kids, that's what a parade is: candy. And an occasional group playing music. But the music isn't fun or important enough to get them excited about going back. I got mixed up trying to find the spot where we stood last year, and ended up in the worst area possible. I could tell even before the parade started that this was no good. But it was too late to find another place. So we stayed on a corner that a hundred other (older) kids shared. For the first hour of the parade Natalie had three pieces of candy in her bucket. That's because one woman handed me a packet of gobstoppers before the parade even started (she was promoting Mothers Of Preschoolers), and another mom watched her two boys dive after a pile of candy and collect the whole thing. She made them both give Natalie a piece. Elsie was much too hot and disturbed by sirens and crowds to do anything but beg me to hold her so she could bury her head in my shoulder. So the only help I could give to Natalie was to look a few floats down and give her a heads up when people might be throwing candy. This is pretty much how our experience of the parade went this time: There were not as many people throwing candy as last year (I think we stood at the beginning of the parade last time, and in the middle this year, so maybe a lot of it was already gone). A lot of the people threw candy before us and then not again until after us. When people did throw candy our way, they sometimes threw it too close to the middle of the road. But even if they dropped it right in front of Natalie, it was gone before she could even bend over. Seriously, watching the other children was like watching the reverse effect of flipping on the light switch in a room full of cockroaches. About 5 people handed out frisbees to the four or five children in front of Natalie, then ignored her hand held out patiently, and then continued giving frisbees to the next three children after her. There was one nice man who saw she had nothing and purposefully dropped three pieces of candy directly into her bucket (thank you, Lord, for that man!), and one friendly girl who gave up her ice pop when the woman carrying ice pops got mobbed 10 feet ahead of us. But it was mostly disappointing, and Natalie almost cried more than once. And I was telling myself that I was taking them straight to Dairy Queen as soon as Natalie told me she was ready to leave.
It was one of those times when I wished I knew how to get what you want without being pushy or obnoxious.
So . . . anybody out there found the secret? To either getting what you want or, you know, ending hurt in the world in general?
