I used to feel a little guilty when I thought of my two girls. When Natalie was a baby, she had my attention every moment that she was awake. As a toddler she said lots of words, could count to 10 in English and to 5 in Spanish, and could sing her ABC's.
When Natalie was almost three, Elsie was born. And it actually came as a shock to me that I could not devote the same kind of time to her as I had to her big sis. I'm not sure really what I my expectations were, but they were not grounded in reality. I couldn't read her 3 books and sing her ten songs before every nap -- like I had with Natalie -- because I had a three year old who also needed attention (and wouldn't stay out of the room that long, anyway). I could easily get to the end of a day and find that with keeping house, giving bathes, making dinner, and chasing Natalie, I hadn't read her a book at all, or counted to 10, or sang the alphabet song. Some days I felt good if I could just get everyone fed, clothed, and down for a nap.
As Elsie has reached toddlerhood, I've noticed that she hasn't hit all those "milestones" as quickly as Natalie, and it made me feel guilty. Surely this was my fault for not reading enough books, or talking to her enough, or trying to get her to crawl sooner.
But after lots of prayer I've realized that there has been an exchange on both sides. Elsie may not have as much one-on-one time, but she has way more family time, because Natalie and I are with her all day. She has an extra person to laugh at her funny faces, to give her kisses and "I love you's", and to help her. She always has a family member by her side when Jason and I leave to go on a date. She has positive peer pressure to use a napkin, or the toilet. When I'm making dinner, she still has someone to play with.
I was measuring my love and attention to her based upon what she was doing, instead of basing it on . . . well, what it actually was. And while Elsie may not have the same memories of mommy-daughter time that Natalie does, the overall message is the same: that she is loved.
This is a great way of looking at children. I felt the same way, and still do a little, with Halle. But I think you're right: there are benefits to each birth order. Kate didn't get some of the positives that Halle does, and Halle's life didn't start out exactly like Kate's. But Halle isn't exactly like Kate, so I guess it's a little weird that I think their lives should be the same.
ReplyDeleteI like the part about the toilet. Good luck there. I have every confidence in you. :)
Ah, Ruth -- we are not going full swing with the toilet yet. When we do I'll be sure to call so you can pray for me! At least she still likes to sit on it before her baths.
ReplyDeleteSo true, El, well said.
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